Tuesday, May 31, 2011

My Mom, My Memories & the Absense in My Heart :)


This blog post is about my mom, my memories and the absence that was left in my heart when we were separated.

Although it was traumatic for me, I don't really have any memories of my mother aside from wanting to be reunited with her since we were separated when I was very young. It is incredible what the human goes through and what we endure throughout our lives.

I don't know the whole story or what the details were, but as the story goes my mom left me with one of my Aunts or relatives promising she would return. Well, my Aunt had so many kids of her own and taking care of me along with her own proved to be an enormous task.  Somehow and for some reason the government got involved and took custody of me and placed me in foster care.

Hence, the beginning of my suffering.  Had I never been adopted and remained in my original family I may have suffered all the same but the life I lived is the life I know, and as a child and into my early adulthood suffering was always there.

It's hard when the person your longing for, the person that you are most connected with, your mom, is unreachable.  Especially as a child when your helpless, without options and not capable of assertive action.  All I did was long and suffer. I'm not sure whether there's another way to explain my experience aside from saying: You smile, you play, you do what you do as a kid but inside you are still hurting.

I lived that way until I was about 13 to 14 years old which is when I found out that my mother had passed away.  I hadn't seen her since I was 4 years old and I no longer had any memories of her. It was nothing but blurriness and emptiness.  I don't hold hard feelings against anyone but it's alarming that I was eventually told she passed away but for some reason the people who told me about her passing had no interest or at least very little interest in ensuring that I saw her while she was alive.  Such is life, imperfection, mistakes, and hindsight is always 20-20. Part of that was actually my fault for not acting, not pressing and not ruffling enough feathers.  But when a person is trained at a very young age that they'll never see their mother again, by the time they're 12, 13 and 14 they've pretty much lost hope.

There is a happy ending though.  By the time I was 23 I had a new identity, new friends, and a new life.  Looking back, I would say that buying my first car in May 2009 was the beginning of my life as I know it today.  It is also the same time, at least by a month, that I met my wife Fema.  Those were beautiful days.  I would spend time with my friends in San Mateo, California eating dinners, laughing, talking and spending money to call Fema with calling cards and Skype.  I really enjoyed that time of my life as it was extremely magical.

I came to the Philippines full of inspiration and to my luck it played out according to my hearts desire.  Fema and I ended up enjoying each other in person as we did over the phone, and I had a real experience of bonding with her family in Manila and Tiaman.  We got married here in Davao City, Philippines on my 25th birthday, March 5th, 2010.  It was and is a dream come true.

The painful absence has since left me.  And the inner suffering has vacated without a trace.  I still have daily challenges like everyone else, but underneith everything I'm at peace.  I'm a very happy husband, a son to my new parents, and a brother in-law to my new brothers.

Although my life as I know it today started when I first bought my car, the transformation from inner suffering to inner peace started when I was 20 years old.  From then on, my outward and inward experience in the long run has continued to improve.  I cannot say what the future holds but hopefully it's bright and not just for me but for all of us!

Here are more pictures of my mom:

15 comments:

Aww this is so touching my love. I will share it on my wall=) I love you.

this story is very touching :) i love reading your blog cris.. keep it up.. God bless you and fema :)

Thank you :)

p.s. I love you too!

Your mother had problems that she was unable to overcome, but she had many beautiful qualities, too.
I'll choose to remember her humor, intelligence, and the great love that she had for her children, though
she wasn't able to pull her family back together. May I say that she would be incredibly proud of you, as
I am also, and all that you've successfully overcome from those tramatic years of childhood. Having created
a loving family of your own, you have discovered joy and balance, and by turning a child's longing toward
the Divine, you are turning adversity into Nectar. Thank you for the inspiration and friendship!

Chris, Your "blog" was very touching..We all have to deal w/ life the way it is to the best of our ability. I myself didn't meet my "american father" till I was 24 yrs old when I first came to the US, I didn't grow up w/ my mom either, My grandma, (your Great grandma) raised me from the time I was 5-6 yrs old so my mom could finish her schooling, I was 8 yrs old when she got married to my stepdad.In between times she visited me 2x a year, and whatever she gave me on the first visit I hang on to until the next visit,ie Money or whatever,(it's like having a feeling of her close by) so that's what I mean about dealing w/ our pains as children and it's a way of coping. I'm one of the last relative your Mom had spoken to before she passed,she was in New York at the time and I had invited her to come see us in Florida on her way back to Spokane Wa. , but unfortunately she didn't make it.When I heard you were reunited w/ the family, I said a prayer that we would all meet you someday. That happened & the rest is history.
In life, one lesson I learned is no matter how many times you fall doesn't matter, it's how many times you got up, dusted yourself and learned from those falls..So May God Bless you & your new found happiness because you so well deserve it, and I know "Lou (your Mom) is watching from up above and happy that you are now soo grown up and happy w/ the life you chose to live for yourself..Much love,Tita Letty xoxoxo

@mimi

Thanks Mimi. I really enjoy my blog. :)

-- Chris

@Uncle Dennis

Thanks Uncle Dennis and very well said. I've done a lot of reflecting since writing this blog post and some thinking too.

When I wrote this it was about writing out my experience not even so much about making a blog post, specially while I was writing. To me, it was my truth and accurately portrayed part of my perspective growing up as a child and some of my life into adulthood.

Thank you for sharing your insight about my mom and as I've heard from so many people, she loved us all so very much. It would have been amazing if I could of met her at this point in my life and would have been a dream come true but with all the blessings in my life I don't want to be ungrateful for what I have. It's already amazing that I can talk with you, Tita Maya, my cousins, Tita Letty and more. You have all been a tremendous blessing in my life and I appreciate your friendship too.

@Tita Letty

Thank you Tita. I really appreciate your comment and I'm glad you like my blog post. I may end up editing it a little here and there in the future but I always end up doing that anyways.

Love you Tita :)
-- Chris & Fema

very touching story of urs...gladly ur able to find ur real happiness ..nice..

Hi Chris,
Your story is very touching.. I am so happy for you & Fema.
Seeing you & her doing your Vlog on YouTube is always fun.

P.S Happy Birthday to you & Belated Happy Anniversary to You & Fema :)
God Bless :)

@rmaewife

Thanks so much!

p.s. sorry for the late reply :)

Inspirational. Things turns out great in the end. Never give up. Thanks Chris for sharing.

@Joyce Ramirez

Your welcome and thank you for reading and commenting.

This means so much to you and I am happy that you have reconnected what you longed for all your life. To think back at your past at those years in shelter and transitional housing and the way that you impacted people and helped them along the way, I'm glad you have found a way to maintain a voice in society and the happiness you deserve for helping and leaving a trail of good every where you went and go! Here's to you and your beautiful wife Fema! Happy Belated Birthday and Happy Belated Anniversary!

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